Hello Everyone!

Many mom’s expect to feel the comradery between other moms when they first join the motherhood club.  However, I also joined the C-Section Mama club when my daughter was born.  So in honor of C-Section Awareness Month I wanted to share my labor and delivery story, because nothing about a C-section is easy.  However, despite this being an unpopular opinion, in many cases like mine, it is needed.

I want to start by saying that I ended up with an emergency C-Section and the events that led to this resulted in my daughter being born not breathing.  Thankfully (as she just turned two) they were able to get her to start breathing on her own.  Non-the-less I wish I would’ve advocated for myself much better during this entire ordeal.

I also want to say that I was a one of those statistical outliers when it comes to labor.  So if you are pregnant and reading this – please DON’T think this will happen to you.  Most likely it will not.  However, If i would’ve spoken up sooner – or pressed what I thought needed to happen more, I truly believe my daughter would have been born breathing.  I also think it set her up for so many other issues when she was hospitalized at 2 weeks old fighting for her life.

That’s why I wanted to share this.  Maybe there’s a mom out there who is reading this and it results in her learning from my mistake. Thankfully our story has a happy ending as my Daughter is a beautiful, bright, little toddler.  Other’s are not as lucky as we were and the thought that I could’ve left the hospital without my baby being safe and sound still haunts me.

How it Started : C-Section Awareness Month

My entire pregnancy was a difficult one.  I was considered high risk for most of it and was put on a bit of a modified bed rest for the last 4 months.  By modified I mean I was told that I needed to rest as much as possible.  I was also told not do anything unless I had too.  It actually was quite the foreshadow given everything that happened.

I went into labor on a Saturday.  It wasn’t the *Screaming-in-pain-can’t-get-me-to-the-hospital-fast-enough* kind of labor but rather the initial *this-is-what-birthing-class-said-it-would-be-like* kind.  Basically, I was getting some contractions that were not pleasant – but tolerable to an extent.  I remember just feeling weird.  That was the only way I could describe it – weird.  I knew it was going to be an abnormal day from the second I felt my first contraction.

It wasn’t the best night.  It’s hard to sleep through contractions – and by the time Sunday rolled around I was getting contractions pretty regularly.  I ended up going to the hospital in the afternoon once my contractions were less than 5 minutes apart.  Of course, when we arrived I wasn’t super dilated – so the nurses had my husband and I walk the halls of the hospital. I grabbed my cup of apple juice they gave me and off we went.

Walking the Halls of the Hospital: C-Section Awareness Month

Two hours later they decided to check and see if I made progress.  Much to my dismay I didn’t.  I was still getting contractions less than 5 minutes apart but didn’t dilate any more than when I arrived.  So… they sent me home.

Sunday night was literally impossible for me to sleep! I ended up walking around my house while my Husband slept.  Once it hit 2 am I decided to call my doctor.

Who yet again told me to stay home.

After the disheartening phone call, I had a snack and decided to take a shower to see if the hot water would help. It didn’t – labor class lied to me.

Around 5 am I woke Andrew up and told him we needed to get back to the hospital.  Once we were there they told me I made progress – but not enough to admit me yet.  So off to walk the halls for another hour we went.  The problem was that my contractions were so close and so intense that about 30 minutes in I couldn’t walk anymore and had to use a birthing ball instead. After the hour was up I found out– yet again – I didn’t make progress.

This is when the doctors decided to give me a mix of various medicines to try to help me sleep since I was going on well over 24 hours without any sleep at that point. This mix of medicine did nothing more than take the edge off.   I *might* have been able to doze off for about an hour – and that’s being generous. It was supposed to help me sleep for at least 3 hours so they ended up giving me another dose and again it didn’t help me much.  Maybe another hour of sleep tops.

Eventually, at the end of this 6 hours of supposed “sleep” I should have had, they decided to admit me.  I finally made a bit of progress.

Finally Admitted: C-Section Awareness Month

I was so excited.  I called my family and within the half hour my mom, dad and sister were up at the Hospital. From that point on, between the three of them and my Husband, I was never left alone.  I couldn’t have asked for a better support system.

Once we were in the room I honestly couldn’t contain my excitement.  I was so happy that I wasn’t being sent home that I’m fairly certain Adrenalin made me feel a bit better for a short period.

At that point it was Monday Evening.  Once I was settled in the nurse suggested using the Jacuzzi to try to help ease the contractions.  It didn’t help a ton.  After a few hours the doctors came in and gave me more bad news.  Not only did I not make much progress, but my little girl was “Sunny-sideup”…kind of.  It turns out she was facing my hip.  This meant that I was getting the worst of both worlds.  Both front and back labor pains, simultaneously, with each contraction. NOT FUN!

Soon thereafter they suggested using pitocin.  This frightened me for a couple reasons.  First, my mom nearly died giving birth to my sister because she was given too much pitocin for too long.  She ended in an emergency C-section where they couldn’t stop the bleeding.  This resulted in her ending up in ICU with a myriad of other issues.  Second, I knew the drug would make the contractions more intense.  Mine were already pretty close together and pretty intense to begin with. Plus, the front and back labor with each contraction concerned me too.

But I was nearly into my 3rd day of labor and decided I needed to do something.  So they started the Pitocin.  Shortly thereafter my water broke.  After another couple hours the doctors came in and told me I again wasn’t making much progress.

Here’s something labor class never mentioned – pregnancy shakes.

Apparently, they are a thing.  I had no idea, until about this point in my labor, when I started randomly shaking like I was suddenly hypothermic.  Controlling any movement was next to impossible when one of these ‘shaking fits’ took over.  My teeth would chatter and my entire body would start shaking despite my best efforts to make it stop.  The kicker of it was I wasn’t cold at all. I was actually roasting!

48 Hours into Labor: C-Section Awareness Month

I ended up opting for an epidural early Tuesday Morning. Over 48 hours of labor was enough for me.  I wanted a bit of relief.  However, I was terrified of getting one.

Thank you labor class.

When the man arrived to administer it I was so tired and so scared I was shaking (a mix of fear and pregnancy shakes).

Once it was administered I remember telling the nurse I still feel everything.  A couple hours of me screaming in pain every 4 minutes or so when a contraction came around the nurse finally believed me.  She decided to get the anesthesiologist back in and give me something called a “Bolus”.   It was basically a super numbing agent.  This helped me out a bit . . . for a couple hours.  Then I was back to screaming like you would see in a movie (no joke).

It was at this point I started questioning the doctors on what could be done.  I was going on two, maybe three hours of sleep over a 50+ hour period.  Plus I hadn’t ate anything for just as long.  I was exhausted, hungry and needed help.

Turns out the epidural wasn’t in properly.  That’s why I felt everything.

The anesthesiologist was called back in to re-administer the epidural.  I’ll never forget when the guy walked into the room acting all burdened to be called back, telling me my “options”.  I was given two:

1. No epidural and go at it like I had been

2. Re-do the epidural.

I opted to re-do the epidural, and to be frank – he was a Jack Ass.  He made House (yes, from the T.V. show) look like a stellar example of perfect bedside manner.

I sat on the hospital bed knowing what to expect this time.  Of course THIS was the moment one of these pregnancy shaking fits started.

My nurse said we would need to wait until it stops before anything could be administered.  It’s at this point the anesthesiologist decided to tell me.  A pregnant soon-to-be first-time mom, who was now on her THIRD day of labor, dealing with a contraction, while uncontrollably shaking to (and I quote) “just stop moving”.

Because, you know, I wanted to uncontrollably shake.

I’m fairly certain my nurse was fearing I would turn around and just flip out on him, because after I yelled ‘you’re just going to have to wait’ my nurse told him it’s nothing I could control.

I was told that it would take a little bit for the epidural to fully become effective.  Two or so hours later I called my nurse in (a new – less than spectacular one thanks to yet another shift change) and told her I still was feeling everything and ended up with another Bolus.

Advocate for Yourself: C-Section Awareness Month

At some point midday on Tuesday (which was my official due date) it was just myself and my father.  I had sent Andrew home to take care of the dogs and get some sleep.  My sister and mom went to grab something to eat. The Bolus I was given had worn off an hour or so earlier and my contractions started getting more intense.  I honestly couldn’t believe it was possible.  I’ll never forget my dad trying to calm me down, tears pouring out of my eyes with each contraction as I was screaming at the top of my lungs.  He was great, but there is only so much that he could do.

Eventually my nurse decided to show up and ask what was going on.  I thought it was kind of obvious.  I was in labor for Three and a half days at that point, the epidural wasn’t working and the Bolus had worn off.  Apparently, I needed to explain this in between contractions.

This nurse proceeded to just stand in my room and look at me – like I was some sort of spectacle – for about 10 minutes.  Just blinking and breathing.

It was obvious I was beyond agitated at her and my dad picked up on this right away.   She clearly felt the tension because she eventually said “I guess I can see what we can do to help you” (as if that wasn’t her job already).  I’ll never forget her face as she walked out when my dad said “Yea – you probably should!”

This is what I mean by advocate for yourself. I should’ve done that better! The nurse that I was assigned after my um-teenth shift change was just bad.  There is no other way to describe it.  There are always “those people” in professions, and, well, she was one of “those people”. Looking back I wish SO BADLY that I would’ve asked for different nurse, that alone would have alleviated some of my aggravation.

I again called my doctors in and questioned what could be done.  I told them this ‘wait-and-see’ crap wasn’t cutting it.

This was promptly ignored and I was told to wait a little longer.  A few hours later I called the doctor back in to check me.  I was told that baby girl was officially in the birth canal – but I wasn’t any more dilated than before.  They counted this as “progress” even though baby girl was still facing my hip despite me proclaiming that something else needed to be done.  Despite me begging for anyone to actually help me.

Eventually a doctor must have felt bad because they said they ‘would do something to help’.

So they gave me sugar water through an IV.

Not. Even. Joking.

Apparently, they finally realized that three and a half days without food while in labor *might* cause you to burn up all the energy you had.  I guess Sugar water was the “solution.”

That and eventually another Bolus.

Soon after there was a shift change.  God had sent me an angle for a nurse and a doctor who was actually willing to make a plan!

This doctor walked in with my new nurse, looked at me and said “You’re having this baby on my shift one way or another.”  Literally a Godsend.

About 5 hours later, baby girl was stuck in the birth canal, still facing my hip.  My water had broken well over 24 hours prior and I hadn’t dilated past a seven. It was my 100^th hour into labor (Yes. You read that right … One-Hundredth Hour… One, Zero, Zero) when the Doctor came in and said she wanted to do a C-Section given the circumstance.

One Hundred Hours Into Labor:  C-Section Awareness Month

It was like a whirlwind broke out.  Doctors were coming in.  I was getting prepped to go get prepped (apparently that’s a thing).  My Husband was putting on a suit for the O.R..  My family was trying to pack up all my stuff (because I had basically moved in at that point) and I was a mixed of relieved and terrified.

This is what many don’t realize.  You get to have one person in the room with you during the C-section. However, Prior to that – it’s just you. Laying on an ice-cold table.  Looking at the ceiling.  Trying to process what just happened and prepare for what is about to happen.

While I was laying there, cold, surrounded by doctors and nurses, they gave me a much stronger Bolus – this one numbed most of me.  They tested this by poking me with something sharp and cold (I couldn’t physically see what was poking me) and asking if I felt it.

As they were poking me they seemed surprised I could still feel the poke on my right side.  So they upped the ante on the Bolus.

From Bad to Worse: C-Section Awareness Month

At some point my Husband was allowed into the O.R. taking his place right next to me on my side of the curtain.  They poked me one last time and I told them I felt it still.  The anesthesiologist told me I would feel pressure, but I was feeling more than pressure.  He decided to tell the doctor to proceed anyway.  They started cutting and I remember saying that I felt what they were doing.  The anesthesiologist again told me I would feel pressure – but I wasn’t feeling pressure – I expected to feel pressure.  I was feeling myself being cut!

Past that is when the blur sets in.  I remember having an out of body experience.

My Husband later told me that once they started cutting I started violently shaking to the degree that they had to stop the procedure for fear of nicking an organ.  The doctors stopped, looked at the anesthesiologist, and told him to make me stop shaking.

I’m guessing I went into shock because it turns out that my epidural was lopsided and only blocked feeling on my left side.  Leaving me to feel EVERYTHING that was happening on my right side.

You know, kind of exactly what I was telling them during their “tests.”

Then I was given something that made my entire body go limp and seconds after I went limp I started screaming.

I remember seeing bright lights and feeling the cut.  I could hear myself screaming in pain, but I couldn’t remember screaming.  I only remembered hearing myself scream.

I knew they told Andrew he had to leave at that point, but I didn’t understand why.  They were trying to rush him out of the room.  I remember squeezing his hand and not letting go.  I remember looking into his eyes completely terrified, not wanting him to leave me there alone but knowing they were making him leave.  And finally I remember thinking “I love you” as he left.  Apparently, I was saying everything I was thinking because Andrew told me he heard me say that as he was being forcibly shoved out of the Operating Room.

Past that I remember next to nothing due to the cocktail of drugs they gave me… then I was knocked out completely under general anesthesia.

What I do know from my family is that they rushed Andrew out into a waiting area.  This is where he texted my family to let them know what was happening.  All of a sudden, they said it started to eerily feel like the night my mom had my sister and almost died.

My family was in the waiting room outside of Labor & Delivery because they were told they couldn’t be back at the O.R.

What these doctors didn’t realize was the sheer will power of my mother to fight for her daughter.  (Something I now understand completely).  My mom waved a pass she had in front of the front desk to let her into Labor & Delivery, upon which she promptly made her way back to where they sat Andrew down.  As she walked up she snapped this photo.

It will forever and always break my heart.

Andrew was left out on that bench for maybe 5 minutes before my mom got back to him.  He tells me it felt like hours.  About 30 minutes after Andrew was rushed out of the O.R. no one had informed him what was going on.  My mom went up and starting inquiring because she knew just how fast C-Sections went, especially Emergency C-Sections like this.  Shortly thereafter they brought her out, my baby girl, and placed her in Andrew’s Arms.

When she was born she wasn’t breathing on her own.  She had to be bag breathed for the first few minutes of her life due to the circumstances surrounding my C-Section.  (The fact that this happened to my perfect baby girl still haunts me, I get nightmares about it to this very day.)

Once both Andrew and my mom realized she was ok they were waiting on me.

My mom had told me after she knew that MY baby girl was ok – she wanted to know that HER baby girl was ok.

I was eventually rolled into the room, extremely groggy, still waking up from the general anesthesia and trying to understand what had happened.

My dad and sister were allowed back and everyone was able to meet baby girl.  All was good, happy and exciting.

The only problem is I don’t remember it. I only have fragments of memories of the first few days of her life.  Whatever I was given stole the memories from me, or rather made it so I would never have the memories in the first place.

Thank goodness my family brought in my camera, turned it on and NEVER turned it off.  Otherwise I would never know what it was like for everyone to meet her, for me to meet her. Because prior to watching the video I had only 3 memories.

1. Seeing double of my daughter and asking if I had twins.
2. The nurse asking me if my sister could hold her and me saying “yea … she’s the auntie” (I said it in a ‘that’s a silly question’ tone – obviously the nurse didn’t know how close I was and still am to my sister).
3. Hearing the nursery lullaby play as I was being wheeled to my room.

That’s it.  For the first few day of my daughter’s life that’s all I was able to remember. I cannot even begin to express how grateful I am for the videos because they filled in the days of blanks that I had.

My advice for any mom-to-be is to just push for what you believe you need.  I should’ve made the doctors come up with a plan sooner.  One Hundred Hours of Labor is a bit much.  If it hadn’t been for the new doctor on the last shift change I probably would still be there!

Also, take tons of videos.  There is no such thing as too many videos.  The newborn stage is so short lived and I was robbed of a few days of it.  So please really hear me when I say take the videos.